Be YOU, warrior people

In college my nickname was Red, as in Red Forman from that 70s show, because I wasn't one to keep quiet if I disagreed with you.  I also was quick to call people dumb ass.  Of course, it was meant with love ;) Another nickname was Sass mouth.  Because I would always have an opinion; and often voiced it loudly.  Those that knew me understood it and loved it.

I lost the sassy side of me when I lost myself for 5 years!  I only found myself again when Steve & I started dating.  I became so ashamed of my voice, my ability to be strong and stand up for myself, my "I will take no shit"; that I hid that quality.

My sassy came back as Anger for a while, as I was suppressing my inner warrior woman; and when she came out she did in the wrong form, because I was still ashamed of her.  Instead of speaking up when things bothered me, I would keep quiet and try to just deal with it internally like I always have. On top of that, dealing with being a wife and caregiver, until I would just blow up one day because it all hit me at once.

Learning to speak up when I'm angry instead of holding it in, has helped me turn my crazy back to my strong sassy self.  It wasn't easy to realize how I was harming myself by not allowing my voice to come through, it also wasn't easy to allow that back.  Trying to get rid of the anger, I fooled myself to believe it meant I had to get rid of my passion towards life.  What life is there without passion?  Let me tell you from experience; not much!

I get told these days I'm overly passionate.  I call BS on that.  No such thing!  Passion is good, more passion is better.  I didn't feel anything when I let go of my passion and hid my inner sassy. I didn't feel anger, joy, or even have an intuition left.  I was a doormat who was missing out on all the beautiful feelings life has to offer (even the negative ones).  So learning that anger feeling coming in isn't bad; it's a feeling.  It's there to remind me to stand up for what I believe in/myself/others/etc.  Learning to allow the feeling to be there helps you learn to express them in healthier ways.

It feels amazing to be your true authentic self.  The good, the bad, the hidden away gems, the old rooted inherited quirks; all the beautiful rawness that makes up you.  Often we say we are living authentic lives but are hiding the not so flattering parts of our personalities.

Instead of looking at my strong opinion and voice as a negative quality; I see the beauty in it.  As Nahko Bear so eloquently puts it in his song, Warrior People,

 "Well, I will learn to be peaceful

But I keep a knife at my side

And I will pray for compassion

But if war comes to my door, you know I will be blastin

Warrior mentality my responsibility.

.......................................................

Warrior, Warrior people

Makin' the best of peace with the strength of an eagle" 

What quality are you hiding away?  Own in.  Find the beauty in it.  Most importantly, BE YOU!  

3 reasons I am back in the same spot.

I find myself in the same spot again.  Sitting and thinking, "Okay what now?"  The sinking feeling that I haven't done enough yet.  Always full of ideas and not enough consistency to finish half of them.  Ending up at the same dead end, again and again.

Where did I go wrong?

First there is: comparing.  

How ungrateful of me to even think I have a reason to complain about anything.  We are provided for enough that I can stay home and take care of Steve.  We both get to spend our everyday together, doing creative new projects. We get to hang out with all kinds of amazing people on a fairly regular basis.  People care about us, not just because they like our story; but because they actually care.

So how is it that I find myself stuck in the same spot?  Because I'm comparing this year to last year.  Last year their was the premiere, meeting of lots of cool people, awards, opportunities, articles, news stories; new exciting things around each corner.

This year while we are obviously still living a wonderful life; it isn't as jam packed as last year.  However, if I didn't compare this year to last; I wouldn't be upset at all about what kind of an impact we are making, because it IS as large as last years.

Comparing in all realms of life does nothing but lead to trouble.  Either you feel an assumed superiority or you feel unnecessary inferiority.  Neither being a positive experience.  Lesson number 1 STOP COMPARING!

Second there is: Negative Talk.

Not only do I find myself guilty of talking negatively about others or a project I'm working on, but just as equally negatively to myself.  It's not going to get me anywhere if I'm bashing my work or things I've worked on or people I've worked with.

Sure, I may have made improvements in this arena, but I still find myself in the cycle then, "Ugh I'm just being negative about it/her/him/it/etc...."  To which everyone says, "Don't be so hard on yourself you're human.  We all do it."

Well guess what, that "acceptability" is my problem.  The fact that I've began to find it so acceptable to negative talk.  What a waste of energy.  Lesson number 2 Don't accept the negative talk.

Third is: Forgetting to Trust the Process. 

Because I study and meditate I have a clear understanding that the world has it's own timing; that you have to truly learn to trust. There are too many examples: Wishing this project I've been working on for 3 years would just be able to be released. To have unrealistic expectations of myself, then being upset when I don't meet them;  my book isn't done yet, I haven't been able to draw that face I wanted to yet, or that girls necklace broke, or,....

Reflecting back on this it's clear to see my lack of trust in the process has caused unnecessary negativity to others and myself.  Between me having bad feelings towards others for something out of their control to me being upset with myself for not being where I think I "should be."

I'm sharing these behaviors I find myself going back to with you for two reasons.

1. Accountability.
2. To have you look inside, and see how you may be getting in your own way.

When we find ourselves in these negative spots, we don't seemt o focus on why we are there, we instead focus on, "Oh shit this again."  It's not anyone else's fault, it's our own.  So, there, I am taking accountability and making a conscious effort to eliminate this negative space.

Will you?

Meditation with a mala

I get asked this question frequently and it's inspired me to write a blog.

"Hope, how do I meditate?"

I used to answer with a simple explanation, usually something like this, "Don't put too much pressure on yourself.  We all have to start somewhere.  Find a space that you will use to meditate, and depending on your beliefs you can fill that space with crosses, oil, sage, candles, Ganesh, prayer flags, etc.  You choose this.  YOU.  It's a personal practice, don't allow anyone to choose for you. Start slow, sit, quiet your mid.  Don't become attached to a certain thought and really focus on the breath and present moment."  

Since going deeper in my practice, I would like to expand on my answer.

Meditation with a Mala. 

Present moment, I start my meditation with setting sacred space (sage & Tibetan bowls), journal free thoughts, feelings, and intentions.  The journaling helps me become aware of what I need to improve upon that day, intentions, hopes, goals, feelings, etc.  I then choose a mantra (sometimes choosing 10 & sometimes I stick with one...for a whole week...).  

Let's say my mantra is "I am peace".  I take the mala in my hand and with my thumb and pointer finger I slide the beads repeating the mantra as they slide between my fingers.  I allow my breath to guide the mantra meditation.  I find my rhythm, <inhale> "I am", <exhale> "peace", slide bead.  With each breath I come to the moment more sinking into the feeling more and more.  The important part is to really feel the mantra.  So as you say I am peace, feel it.  If after repeating the mantra that 108 times I don't "feel peace", I do it again.  After I'm done repeating the mantras, I then sit in silence eyes still closed, hearing the sounds, feeling the sun, air, wind, light, etc.  I breathe in the feeling and then offer thanks.  First to God, then the universe, then myself.  The times and lengths vary depending on a lot.  Obviously, if Steve needs me, I will tend to him, offering thanks for the love he brings to my life while tending to him, and then return to the practice.  Distractions are what you make them.  My dog barking, is a test to stay calm in the moment, the mail lady maybe needed some loving energy, etc.  

Personally, using mantra mala meditations have been the most effective in learning to be more present and loving.  It is important to remember that meditating doesn't magically make life's problems disappear.  It helps you become aware of the problem and be able to use the practice while working out the issue.

Example: Steve needs me to wipe his nose for the 30th time that hour while I'm trying to cook, sleep, fulfill orders, clean, pee, etc.  As I'm walking to him/or wiping his nose I am saying any of these (sometimes out loud), "I am patient, I am love, I am caring, I am peace, I am helping someone I love.." This allows the frustrations of that drippy nose to stay just that & not turn into me self loathing for snapping on Steve, who can't help his nose is running and can't help he cannot wipe his own nose...

We are ALL HUMAN.  We will have moments of weakness.  However, the more you meditate the more you find yourself gaining control during these human moments.  The quicker you stop the cycle-to breathe and turn the negative "Damnit" thought to a positive, "I am damn calm"-the quicker you can go back to appreciating the beauty of life.  

Need a custom mala?

Premieraversary

1 year after the premiere of our documentary and I've been reflecting on all that has happened in a year.

We filmed a little update video for y'all. However, I started thinking on a more personal level what has changed.

Aside from lots, because we go through so many changes almost daily, more importantly it's the growth that has come from it all.  Putting yourselves out there you will find that you will get a mix of opinions.  With that mix there will inevitably be the negative opinions.

Initially I found my spirit being broken by the 1 or 2 negative comments and would find myself forgetting the 100s of positive comments, which pointed out an area of growth for me.  I had to learn why I was allowing the few negative opinions to affect me so strongly and then find a way for it to stop.

Here's what it boils down to, and has been one of the most life changing lessons I've learned.  

Other people should be entitled to think or feel whatever they want, without my judgment or reaction. Obviously, if I see someone causing another person physical harm then I will always step in, but negative thinking  just doesn't deserve my attention.  It's not my life, I'm not the one saying the negative comment, or putting out that negative energy, so why should I even give it my attention. 

When you can begin to see life in this way, you begin to also learn to accept others (and yourself) for who they (you) are. The REAL truth is that everyone in your life is going to do something you don't agree with, EVERYONE.  However, it is NONE of your business in how THEY CHOOSE to live their lives. 

Everyone deserves love.  No matter how different their lives are, they deserve love.  Even those who have negative thoughts on you deserve love.  Often they are the ones who need it the most. 

Learning to remove yourself from others lives and just simply allowing them to be themselves without judgement will change your life.

The, "ugh, the clothes she wears bothers me," becomes, "that girl is doing her, you go girl."  That's it.  No other thoughts needed, it's NOT YOUR LIFE.  

Is it easy?  No, of course not.

Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Obviously it's not something that always comes natural and it takes some work to train your mind to start to think this way. I promise every time you show love to everyone, but especially those who are the more difficult to show love to, you will find it come back to you 10 fold.  

Allow others the freedom to be themselves, be true to yourself, and love everyone, and watch life become a lot less complicated.  There doesn't need to be any drama about it. 

 PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN LIFE. :)  

Different kinds of smiles.

One of the things we hear the most, that make our hearts swell, is that we inspire someone with our choice to face life with a positive attitude.  We put a lot of thought into our lives & how we live them.  It's encouraging when we hear the love and support from you all and it keeps us fueled.  Reminds us why we choose happy even on the darkest of days.  

Here's the truth about life and us.  We do try to choose everyday to be happy.  We believe it's a choice, and we make it every mornings as we are saying our gratitude's while I do Steve's hour morning routine.  It's a slow paced routine as Steve is an adorable sleepy bear and takes a while to get going.  

Some days that idea, of choosing happy, is hard.   Some days life is kicking our ass so much and our over active brains take over, but we still try, even if that means we have to choose it over and over and try to change the day for the positive.  Some days we take lots of photos and share our lives with you----because we are asking for your light to shine in on our darkness.  

You see us when we are drowning but trying to break through with a smile AND you see us when we are shining. We of course share both because like the Eb & Flow of life, you will experience waves, and you have to do whatever you possibly can to stay grounded on that boat. We are so very blessed so even on our grumpiest discouraging days we still remain thankful, that we are so loved & supported, & most importantly that we have each other.

So this month everyday Steve has had a dripping nose.  He's so strong physically and mentally that he makes an effort and choice to remain positive and driven despite.  Image having to have your nose wiped every 20 minutes, to have your nose plugged, to the plugs being forced out by so much drainage, etc, all while not being able to move.  

Steve still wants us to live "our normal" which means, we wake up early in the morning, do our routines, working during the day on our various projects, and enjoy the evenings together while reflecting on all we accomplished that day.  

Some see Steve, and see him as a man just laying in bed all day, bored, weak and suffering.  I'm here to tell you that even on his bad days that's not any where near accurate. 

Steve has his beautiful genuine smile on to greet the day, he says his 5 thankfuls every morning even if it is through tears, he then asks about my day and nudges me to make sure I take some time for myself today, we talk strategy for his day with his stocks, and he then watches stocks, reads the paper, emails with his loved ones, facebooks, interacts with me the 387867 times I'm in and out of the room, we share laughs multiples times a day, share each others accomplishments, I come show him every painting/mala/new yoga pose, and he tells me about his trades he has done.  We then shut down from the busy of the day to curling up to a movie, documentary, show, etc.   

But some days there needs to be a few hours of naps because he's not feeling well, some days we need some extra cuddles because we may be hurting emotionally or physically, and to be frank some days we are just plain old sick of seeing each other so we try to take our own space.  

We plan to always be open about our lives because we truly hope that we can help others create brighter and more positive lives.  We also, some times take our own space, shut down a little, and when we let you in on those days, please know we want you to share your light with us. If even just a little.

Love & light. 
<3

Insecurities---acceptance---peace

So I have to say I try to be completely authentic with y'all and sometimes my insecurities get in the way, and I don't share certain things or worry about what people will think.  I used to actually think, "Ha, I don't have any insecurities."  For real, I was that girl.  However, through the past 4 years I have really gotten to know myself & I can see all of my insecurities.  

It's a beautiful thing but a little dreadful.  Because now you have to face these head on if you want to change them.  How daunting right?  So little by little, I have been asking in my meditations to improve in certain areas.  Starting from. 'more patience' to 'not allowing others energy to influence mine.'

Of course, I had to come to the understanding and acceptance that, when asking the universe to help you change something you will then be faced with some hellish things to teach you the lessons you NEED in order to reach that goal.  

So what makes you want to even deal with them, right? 

NO! Not right.

When you reach the point where you start noticing the things as lessons and see yourself not allowing them to trigger you the breakthroughs happen.  Each breakthrough peels another layer of yourself helping you reach your true self.

Because in the end you need to feel peace with yourself, love yourself, be happy with yourself to be happy with ANYTHING else in this world.  So I am taking today to be thankful for some of the frustrations in life and even more so gratitude for some of the beauty life has offered lately.

Because with every eb & flow, the dark seems daunting but at the end of that tunnel awaits you a beautiful beautiful light that heals and empowers you.   Because life is meant to be that beautiful.  

Thank you to everyone for the past 2 days and the beauty, joy, & love you have brought into our lives. You all refuel us & we are so thankful for you.  

Lessons from ALS

Hello May.  The start of ALS awareness month.  This month I will be posting on all of our outlets several different things but I wanted to start this month by shining some light on what ALS has taught me.  

Aside from the devastation of watching Steve struggle with all that ALS brings, it has brought some unexpected astronomically huge positives in our lives & I would like to take the first of this awareness month to express gratitude for some lessons.  

First and foremost, the acceptance of what life presents us.  Acceptance was something I struggled with most of my life.  I would think, "How could this possibly be happening to me?  How unfair..."  However, now my outlook is, well so this is happening, and now I have to face it head on. 

With that came, living in the moment.  The fear of what is happening next is common in life, add being told you will loose your ability to do ANYTHING for yourself, and that will play tricks with your mind.  Thankfully, early on Steve & I chose to change our attention from, "Crap what has Steve lost today,"  to "Gosh I'm so thankful Steve can still do this."  

Almost 2 years ago, we decided we were going to start our days with 5 things we are thankful for.  The beginning was hard.  With all honesty the first 2 months we would just say the same 5 things almost daily.  A shift came, about 2 months into our gratitude's where we began to grow our ability to find beauty in so many situations.  A leaking trache means the infection is leaving his body. A trip to the hospital is an opportunity to share our story and visit with some of our favorite people (our hospital staff).  A night without sleep reminds you of how grateful you are that you slept the other 4 nights of the week, so that you don't feel totally drained.  

By being more in tuned with the world, we then learned the importance of using your energy wisely.  Being home daily may seem dreadful to most, but Steve & I have learned to make every day special & to put our energy to good use.  What used to be cuddles & movies all day everyday switched to working from 8:30-6 M-F then cuddles & movies after.  We have learned new jobs, that fulfill us more than jobs prior to ALS have.  

Everyday we are given is an opportunity to share our light with others in some way, so we open ourselves up to people in every realm we can from social media to face to face visits.  Opening yourself up to other people you find that you will meet some of the best most like minded people that will continue to support, inspire, & fill your life with joy.  You have to be open and clear on what you want & need, ask for it, & then be grateful for when it comes pouring in.

It's a daily choice to wake up, say our gratitude's while we do our morning routines, meditating/praying/exercising, and then to hit the ground running with our list of things we want to accomplish that day.  It's a daily choice to re shift your focus to the positive, to find things to be grateful for, & to open yourself up to the life you want.  One I'm thankful we chose & thankful that we get to experience it everyday we get together.

Remember like the lotus flower you CAN grow in the MUD.  ALS is a struggle, and it's demanding, and takes a tool on not just your motor neurons & health but your soul....which can either be an opportunity to curl up & be defeated or to GROW & blossom to a more beautiful you than you could ever imagine.  

If you can take anything from this month of ALS awareness, not only would I encourage you to speak about ALS, donate to www.als.net, but also find the beauty in your life.  There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for & the more you seek it the more it will seek you.