Thursday, September 1, 2016

Because after all, I'm not an alien.

From migraines to dealing with skeezy health insurance, my week isn't what I had planned for it.  Of course, by now in this journey I've grown accustomed to the ever changing winds.  Having goals and hopes for the week are great, but being open to what comes is really my trick to survival.

I caught myself saying something awful to Steve the other day, that I sometimes can't believe I share with you all.  Still the urge to type these words just won't leave me, so here I must again show my shadow to the world.  

I said, "Ugh this is totally ruining my day."  As I was working on something for him.  Translation that couldn't be lost here, 'You're ruining my day.' 

Steve, looking at me, tells me, "Hope Go," ignoring whatever it was that he needed at the time.  To which I properly stormed out and proceeded to tell the insurance company where to stick it.  Not my proudest moment. 

Why?  Right, why do I share these moments with you all?  Yeah, sometimes I ask myself that very question.  Truth is, I have so many people praise me on a daily basis, that my ego likes it, so days when I show the natural frustrations, I feel awful about myself.

It's probably no surprise to most that I would describe myself as an extremist.  So days when I do show my shadow, it's hard for me to accept.  I don't want to be that person.  I guess even a part of me doesn't want to be human at all, right?  I mean it has to be that extreme for me to expect myself never to say/do/think/feel anything negative.  

This is just another case of learning to roll with where the day takes me.  Sure I ate 3 cupcakes that day, and probably caused myself the migraine and I cussed out Steve, the dogs, and 5 different (innocent) people working for humana; but again, as I keep saying it doesn't make me a bad person.

So this is why.  This is why I share.  We (humans) often feel defeated after days like this, and I once did as well.  I would enter a state of self loathing, that would take me to a bottom of an empty hole, leaving me to have to crawl my way back out. Now I feel the need for pause, a need for some self love.  If I'm eating that many cupcakes and swearing at anyone I cross paths with (especially my dogs) then I need to stop trying to do it all.  

So I did.  Yesterday I didn't blog, and after doing the must do's with turning and cleaning Steve & making some must do phone calls, I shut off for the day and painted.  Then ending the day with another I ate too much sugar migraine I let go of judging myself for that day, and laid in bed with Steve (more like next to him in our 'I love Lucy' bed arrangement) and said, "It's okay.  It's all okay."  

So what's the lesson in these scattered words?  Let go of the judgement of yourself, when your shadow appears.  It should go without saying, that I obviously strive for my days not to be like this, and I would hope most of us do as well; but the off days shouldn't leave us hating ourselves.  It comes with life.  f we didn't have an off day on the occasion, we wouldn't be human, and as much as I like to pretend I'm an alien; I'm not.  I'm pretty sure you aren't either. :) 

1 comment:

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