It's up to us.

With things going the way they are in the world, it's hard not to feel overcome by the negativity, but much of what I love about our beautiful world is how groups of people can come together for a common cause no matter how different they may be from one another.

See, I'm only able to be an observer in much of what is happening, since we don't leave our house for months at a time.  I don't watch the news, I don't watch much TV in fact until the evenings when I'll cuddle up with Steve for a movie, or to binge a new series with him; so I'm not getting any information from a reporter.  I have "hidden" 70% of my Facebook feed, and have cut out the "stare and scroll" from my life.  

So I suppose some of you are wondering how I stay informed on the world's happenings.  It's because in my time being here as an observer of the world, I've been able to follow closely with people on their social media platforms, and have been blessed with finding a group of like minded individuals, who have led me to sources that aren't influenced by propaganda and that simply tell the truth.  

In watching these multiple groups of communities come together and stand up for what's right, I am seeing several movements starting that completely restore my hope and faith in the world.  From the peaceful protests that have managed to be shining examples of how to come together to speak up for what you believe, to the multitude of videos/blogs/articles being made with people using their voices for love and peace, to what I recently discovered some of my favorite musicians doing an Up to us caravan, driving across the country to the DNC (Democratic National Convention) and making stops along the way to discuss with the ACTUAL people, problems in their areas.  Click the link to see if they will be in your city, and how you can get involved. 

So how does an observer like me, who doesn't have the chance to participate in all the many movements happening around the world, still stand up for what she believes in?  Here's 3 ways in which I will, and you can decide if it works for you.

1. I will no longer be part of the system.  I plan to blog about this in great detail in the future, but in simple terms, I will not support anything creating the hate, the divide, or simply that is destroying our planet (also a blog coming on this).  I will not watch news channels trying to instill fear in me, I will not go to certain websites that are creating a divide, and I will certainly NOT allow others to make my decisions or opinions for me.  Please if you're heavily being influenced by the noise happening around you, cut it off.  Start to feel your own gut and trust that you DO KNOW what is right and wrong without someone else telling you what to think.  

2.  The second will be continue to use my voice.  Look so many of us for so long, sat back afraid of not knowing the right thing to say.  I openly admit I am often a loss for words, on tough situations, but when I speak from the heart, it's always right.  My heart right now is telling me, NO more divide, NO more hatred, NO more fear, NO more brainwashing, NO more violence, MORE action, MORE peaceful demonstrations, MORE meaningful art and words, MORE prayers and meditation, AND most importantly more ENCOURAGING and LOVING ONE ANOTHER.  

3.  I WILL SHINE MY LIGHT.  I often am in question as why I can't stop the pull to share so much of our lives.  If you've followed me long enough, you know a very large part of me wants to be tucked away in my own corner, completely disconnected from it all and left with just the trees, birds, and squirrels.  The other part of me, knows that I have to shine my light.  It's not given to me to keep to myself.  So, I will continue to share us working through the struggles, the insights that come to me, the inspiration I find, the art that is literally the spirit working through me.  I'll continue to pray openly for everyone. I will continue to meditate and work on my own inner workings.  I will continue reaching out to those in my reach, and sending LOVE to everyone I've ever known, ever.  Because this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Keep it up everyone.  There may be some strong strong forces trying to divide us, but it's up to us not to allow it.  We can overcome this.  We can make a lasting change.  This is our chance, it is up to us.  

Just being okay.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.

I'm doing a whole lot of this today.  Breathing through it.

Breathing through the ALS whirlwind, the world's chaos, the Monday madness, the to do list's, the reality of it all.  All of it...

Let go, let go, let go....

I have a list of powerful blogs to share, but today this is it.

Today it's learning to let go of lists, and premeditated thinking.  It's letting go of control, expectations, and needs for understanding.  It's letting go of thinking I can change it.  It's letting go of the grips it all has on me.

It's allowing me this space to not have it all figured out, and allowing me to learn to trust the process. It's me just being.

Just being okay with everything going on.  Just being okay.

That's all for today.

Get vulnerable with me

Writing for me began as something I had to do at school in elementary years, that I didn't do very well.  My papers would have red marks covering the pages, and without my awareness, those days heavily influenced present me.  As the years went on, I didn't get that much better with writing until college.  I went to a school that is often mistaken for, just another party state school, but it was so much more than that.  Education went beyond the classroom sure, but the classrooms did matter.  Teachers were holding us accountable, but also encouraging us.

So I began to slowly play catch up with writing.  Started understanding punctuation a little bit, and even a little grammar.  Why suddenly was I absorbing information after years of getting the papers full of red marks telling me how I should fix things?  It's because instead of the red marks on the pages, it was teachers taking time out to sit and talk with me.  To sit and tell me, hey Hope you're actually capable of this; but you're going to have to do the work.  

Then comes grad school.  I was so confident walking into my first day for my master's degree, and my confidence was beaten away little by little in 3 years.  I couldn't understand why I had come from a school, that had high standards and where I was considered successful with my endeavors, and then I was suddenly back to being labeled as, "the dumb one."  It almost stopped me in my tracks.  I struggled through those 3 years within school life and my home life.  If it wasn't for my internship that fell on my lap, I would have let grad school completely destroy me.

My boss at this internship said something to me after being his intern for 4 months, that shifted things for me back in the right direction.  He said, "Hope, I need you to know something.  If you were to let go of the inner chatter about you not being smart enough to do things, you would amaze yourself.  You are more capable than some of those teachers tearing you down, to change this world.  You have something inside of you, that triggers people; and it's not bad unless they make it bad.  Listen to me, I'm out here in this world, and I see hundreds of people in and out of here a week; you're special.  You have a story, and when you work through the fears of negative feedback, you'll find your place."

He and my other boss at this job were huge influences in my life, I went on to work with them for  a few years after I graduated (which is also the job where I worked when I first met Steve the 5 years before we re meet; fun fact).  It took me several years of running around from job to job and person to person, until I met Steve; that I decided to start blogging.

I had started doing what I often refer to as "the work" during my time working for my favorite 2 bosses, and haven't stopped since then.  The work I am referring to is simple.  I am looking inside to understand how I view the world.  Why do things or people trigger me?  Why does my brain work certain ways?  What are my shadows?  How can I face them?  How can I work past them?  What is my light?  How do I shine it?  Etc.  Working on understanding myself has been the most important work I've done.  So when I started blogging on it, it was new to share my inner thinking's.

All my sharing previous were for class or were client assessments, nothing personal to this point.  I wrote my first poorly punctuated and grammatically incorrect blog, and I felt so proud for 5 minutes. Until a group of friends I had at that time began to make fun of it.  Again I'm back to grad school feelings.  I'm too dumb to write.  Thankfully I had Steve at the time, that reminded me the message of my blog was heard by those who weren't the grammar police, and he offered to help me edit my writings.  

Blogging was something I started to do simply to share Steve's and my story.  It wasn't anything else than that for me, so I thought.  However, as I would continue to write blogs, opening myself up and sharing very vulnerable places, it became clear to me; that me sharing pieces of my life, is what my boss was talking about.  By writing through our trials, sharing feelings, revelations, intentions, experiences,etc and removing the negative voice; I've been able to help more people than I can comprehend begin to really face their lives.  

So when I was talking to a friend recently about blogging, and since I've started to do it daily; I have something I want to encourage you all to do.  Let go of those red marks on the pages, those people who told you, you weren't good enough, and share your life.  Being vulnerable and sharing your process of working through life openly can help anyone reading your words.  Vulnerability scares people still today, and it's a place where great change can happen.  The more I share my vulnerable spaces, my human experiences, and my triumphs; the more it encourages others to go deep inside and do the same.  

Right now our world is in some tumultuous times and there's a lot of fear and hatred surrounding us. I've been processing how I can play a role in being the change, and I thought about this very blog.  I thought about how much I want to encourage us to do the work, and look inside ourselves.  We can't control the world or people around us, but we can control ourselves. How many of us ever looked inside to fully understand why you fear certain people?  How many ever looked inside to why you are feeling angry or hateful?  We think it's all because of someone else; but it's not them at all.  It's our reactions to them, and it's up to us to start understanding where it's coming from,

I don't have it all figured out, and I used to think that meant I shouldn't write about it; but now I understand, I must.  Because if my vulnerability and openness can influence one person to start sharing their stories, and they influence someone; it's a great vulnerable domino effect we are starting.   I'm still learning writing skills as I continue to write, but that's the beauty of it.  I've removed the need to be perfect, and started to learn just by the very act of writing more. As I'm learning about myself and my art, I'm also helping others learn about theirs.  It's a win win win. :)

Life is going to change you....

You know what phrase I would like to edit.

'Don't let life change you.'

I would like to have the edited version be this:

"Life is going to change you, so choose it to be for the better."

Note: If someone has already put their stamp on this quote, share a name with me, I've searched all morning for a version of this and came up with nothing.  Being an internet MacGyver isn't a skill of mine. 

Here's what I've learned about this thing called life.  It is going to change you whether you want it to or not.  If you resist the change, you'll likely end up with 2 outcomes.  1. Stuck in the same spot, with life happening around you and you're still there stuck in the past. 2. Fighting with life and everyone because you're resisting the change.  

Of course, there's the ever frightening option of it changing you for the worse right; life damaging you in some way.  Of course, this negative outcome is possible for everyone of us, yet you see people daily, going through tragedies, and them becoming better because of it.

You know the difference between it going to the negative vs the positive?  It's a simple choice.  

You can choose to allow the negative circumstances that life throws at you, to break you or stretch you.  Either way you have to face the darkness head on, but it's allowing it to teach you instead of beat you.  

The question I've been asked time and time again, "Hope how do you not let this all just beat you up?"  It's a fair question, and I truthfully never had the adequate answer, because I would often reply with, "You know I don't know..."

Here's the conclusion I've come to.  I've done my fair share of, "Oh poor me", then I've done the "Ignoring life's problems by going numb between one substance or another", then came the "angry at everyone because life's trying to change me" to eventually letting go and giving in.  It didn't just happen naturally, I had to go through my stages.  

I think that's why people don't always reach the positive point, because it takes work and a lot of mistakes to get there.  It takes admitting that you have the work to do.  It takes the desire to get to that space.  It takes patience, compassion, and a lot of forgiveness.  It takes love.  For yourself, the people around you, and your life.  It takes waking up and saying, "Okay I'm going to learn as much as I can from all life is bringing me, so I can grow." 

Life isn't meant to be you staying the same person your whole life or we would all be walking around sucking our thumbs still.  It's up to us if we choose to be a better version of ourselves everyday, if we stay stuck in the same place, or if we go backwards.  No matter what you choose, life will still be here, and it will change you whether you're ready or not.  

I hope to always allow life to change me for the better.  I know it will take daily work for me to not get stuck or angry, as those are my go to negative bus stops.  However, if I show up daily open to life, I hope that life will keep pushing me forward and I'll be able to stay on my own two feet in the process.  I hope the same for you all as well.  

Weary weary weary

OK y'all I'm weary.  I would imagine many of you out there are feeling the same.  However, this isn't just with what's going on in the world around us, but also our immediate world.  Steve had his first rough night since being home from the hospital.  After very little sleep I woke up and of course Facebook hit me with yet another heart bomb! More violence, more innocent lives lost, more senselessness.  I'm broken again because I see people using violence instead of love.  Violence is NOT the answer.

In the middle of the night last night, after Steve needing me again for the 5th time, I just sat silently pleading with God for him to just finally get some rest, and I suddenly started crying.  If you know me, you know in the past 5 years I've gotten so tough, I barely cry.  In fact some days I just want to cry it out, and there's nothing.  Trust me I'm still feeling the feelings, it's just like my heart is toughening much like my hippie bare feet.  

So here I sit in my bed starring at Steve's vent screen crying silently because I couldn't even do the loud sob.  All that was happening was streams of tears.  It was cathartic in a sense, but it doesn't change this heaviness that I'm feeling.  My heart breaks for so much right now. 

I watch Steve navigate this journey with so much grace and drive, and how ALS is relentless and constantly beats him up.  He remains faithful even as he's getting weary.  He may feel like his body is giving out on him, but his spirit is not broken.  It leaves me in awe.  I then watch the hundreds of others on Facebook going through similar journeys, some so stable and living for 15 years without complications, and some right along with us having a hell of a bumpy ride.  It's just so messed up. All of it.

Then to have to take in the madness of the world.  It's literally too much. 

So what do I do?  

Cut myself off from the outside world, and just focus on us?  Trust me, this thought is there daily.  I dream of Steve being cured and us living on 10 acres and being completely self reliant on our land to survive, and not be in this world unless we choose to.  However, that's not our reality, and as much as I would love to pretend we have us a little off grid jungle bungalow here; truth is we need to be connected with others.  We need to be sharing our story of light in the darkness. We need others to survive. So no, this isn't the answer. 

So what is the answer?

Well, seeing as I'm having a morning of little answers, the only word that comes to me is boundaries. I need to set some clear boundaries on all I'm ingesting.  I, like a lot of other people out there right now, FEEL EVERYTHING happening around us.  Deeply.  Every news story, or Facebook story, or Instagram post, etc that I read I feel it.  I feel the persons pain, frustration, and yes joy when that's what direction we are leaning in as a world.

So I need boundaries.  Clear cut, no budging boundaries.  Where I struggle most is when we are home, I get into routines that work so well, then we have a hospital visit; where there is no routine.  I'm eating whatever, having my coffee with sugar, and I'm on social media as often as Steve's asleep just to survive it all.  Then I come home, and I'm off for a few days to weeks depending on things.

None of it's working for me.  Again, if I want to create actual concrete change that sticks in the outside world, I have to be grounded, strong, and stable.  Which, today, I am none of those.  

So today as I hope the doctor and respiratory therapist visits scheduled for today will help us sort through some of our chaos here, i'll be praying and meditating for our world.  I'll also be working on getting myself back on a schedule and determining what my boundaries are.  What balance I need to be able to stay active in the world without it overwhelming me.  

I encourage you all to find your balance and boundaries in this chaos right now.  It's going to be hard because we want to all make a change and use our voices to stand up for what's right; but if we are all leading with weary frustrated hearts, the violence will continue.  We have to get right with ourselves before we can make a change in the world.  

I'll let you know when I figure out my boundaries, and I'll totally be okay if y'all call me out for breaking any. ;)  

All I can say is I love all of you deeply, and I love our hurting world deeply, and I love Steve deeply, and now I will go love myself deeply.  Because right now that's the important missing piece. 

<3 

What can I do?

Okay, so today I have to write about the black and white elephant in the room.  This is a black and white issue, so I will use those words.  I watched the video of Alton Sterling yesterday.  It was hard to watch, and it left me with chills, tears, and no words.  I sat for 30 minutes trying to understand what I had just seen.  Then this morning on my news feed, I see words, and videos, and suddenly see another video, where a black woman went live on Facebook because a white cop shot her black boyfriend.  Here I am again, speechless, heartbroken, and angry.

If you aren't feeling the heaviness happening, you aren't paying attention.  Listen, I'm going to need you, all of you to pay attention.  We have to.  It took me a while to decide if I could write on this, because the words weren't coming to me. I let it go until today, but I need to write on it.  It may not be the best written blog because I have so many feelings but here's what I have.

When you watch these videos, you see these cops acting out of fear.  Why they are afraid is the debate across the world right?  We may not understand this, but because of this fear, innocent people are being killed.  The more I watch the videos that exist of situations like this where black lives are being taken by cops, the more I feel like this is murder and nothing else.  

This is how I see it, if you are going to act out of a fear based mindset, don't work there.  Don't do it. I have a story I want to tell, about 5 years ago I worked as in home therapist for a company in downtown Atlanta, I got this job through a friend because I needed flexible hours to be home with Steve.  I was the only white female that worked with this company and most of my clients were black.  I went to these patients homes which were located in some very sketchy areas, with love.  I went in there with an open mind and heart in hopes to help these people, and I was greeted with open arms every time.  I was nothing like these people, and they were nothing like me; but we sat and communicated openly about things that enriched both of our lives beyond expectation.  I had already become aware of my privilege when I first moved to Atlanta, thanks to my very first friends here (thank you Alex, Marcus, Savery, and Isaiah); but it was my first time I would witness just how mistreated these beautiful people were.

I only stayed at this job for a year, because honestly it paid crap and I left to stay home with Steve; but within that year I learned more about the black community and the heart ache it was carrying, than any other time in my life.  The mistreatment, and racism that was so apparent it hurt my heart, and left me feeling helpless.  There was only one time I had fear in this situation, and it was because I showed up to the apartment complex to see a new client, and a black man in his late 40's came up to me, and quickly put his arm around me to turn me back to my car.  He said, with the fear of God in his eyes, "You can't be here right now, or ever, don't come back to this neighborhood." This wasn't because I was a white female, exactly, but because no one was safe here.  

I remember coming to the office, and feeling very white in this moment.  I didn't want to make it a race thing with me saying I couldn't see this client, and I had some fear that I had to let go.  So I just with love told the story, and after I was done explaining what happened, my coworkers who in a short time had begun to feel like close friends of mine (who still pray and send sweet love to Steve and I, thank you), said, "Do not worry, we won't send anyone there if that's the kind of violence that is happening."

The reason I tell this story is this.  When you are leading with fear, you don't see people as human.  All you see are differences.  These cops led with fear, saw the differences, and reacted in fear.  Nothing of what they did was out of love.  This is the problem.  If you're afraid of people who are different than you, DO NOT BECOME A COP!  I'm sorry, but this has to stop.   No more senseless violence, no more killing because "YOU thought" they were going to pull a gun.  If you are educated and have informed yourself on these stories, you will know there was NEVER a cause for the killings.  

Is it corruption?  I don't know? Maybe. To be honest the world is so full of that right now, it's another subject that we need to put a stop to.  Is it hate?  Maybe that too?  Fear? Definitely.  Is it senseless?  Yes!

So what do we do?  Seriously, that is the question in all of our minds right now, and if it isn't it should be.  We have to do something.  Just writing this blog, isn't me doing something, it's me addressing the problem.

Here's the very hard part of this situation.  We are all angry at this cop/ these cops who have done this.  Our reaction is to want to retaliate at them.  That is NOT the answer.  If this is going to be a true change that will actually stick, it has to be love based.  It can't be adding to the violence.  So what is it?  It's time y'all. 

The only thing I can think of is to send love to Alton's family, to all the families who lost a loved one because of the color of your skin.  I'm so sorry this is happening.  I'm just one person who spends her everyday's at home taking care of my husband, but that doesn't mean I can't make a change.  

Maybe it starts with this.  I am a white female who despite some circumstance is extremely privileged.  I have a roof over my head, I live in a safe community, I have food to eat everyday, I don't have to worry about being pulled over and shot; because I am privileged.  Maybe the first thing is acknowledging that even though it's 2016, racism still is alive.  Maybe it's to stand up as a white female and plead with y'all to step outside of the fear, and get to know your black brothers and sisters. 

Maybe it's the way we hire cops?  An honest to goodness, "Hey are you racist?  Are you going to act out of fear when you have to pull over someone who is different than you?  Can you actually approach a situation level headed and not just pull out your gun and misuse your power?"

Look y'all I DON'T know, but what I do know is I'm hurting.  The world is hurting.  We have to stop. 

Again, I leave with.  Love is the only answer.  So that is what I'm sending the world today.  Yes even that cop, because if he had acted with love....we wouldn't be having this conversation.  

Life has a funny funny way...

So I wrote 2 blogs before this one, but today didn't seem to be the right time to hit publish.  One is a bit blunt and one a bit out there.  There will be a time they will feel appropriate to share, and I will remind you when I do, that I wrote them today.

I think why they don't feel right to publish today isn't because they aren't well written, good intended words, but because I really should; or should I say, I want to follow up to yesterdays blog.  We got a large response from yesterdays blog.  Some people totally resonated with it, some people as I suspected didn't like it, loads of love came pouring in, some guilty responses, and then of course the few that had to give their "this is why you're wrong" responses.  It's almost predictable these days what sort of responses I will get from my writing; and sometimes even predictable as to who will respond.  

First I want to say, thank you.  To everyone who ever sends us a message, a comment, an email, a text, etc.  We read them all, even if we don't have the chance to respond to everyone.  We do read them.  We appreciate feedback and the dialogues people openly start with us.  

I did get one message yesterday, that I would have never expected.  I asked the person to share some of the message.  This person, who has been a public speaker for sometime (you'll never guess who it is because no one would have guessed this person ever read my words) said, "One of life's biggest lessons is learning how to love everyone.  Some people are easy to love, some are hard; but still your job is to love them all.  You just have to learn how."  

After reading those words, it stuck with me all day.  I kept thinking over and over, yes I do need to learn how to love some people.  This person is so right, there are some that I would like to say that I love them, but I don't.  Nope. Not even with an ounce of my soul.  

Suddenly as I was thinking on this, a thought came to me, "Learn to love people for who they are, not for your expectations of them"  Here I was yesterday feeling frustrated with people because of who I expected them to be instead of looking at them and loving them for who they are.  This exact kind of love, is something I thank Steve for often.  He loves me for me, not for what he thinks I should be.  

So after writing yesterdays blog, and reading and processing all of the feedback, I've concluded I have work to do.  If I'm talking about love being the answer to the worlds problems, and I want to actually be the change; it is up to me to learn how to love everyone.  

I ended up dreaming about Donald Trump last night.  I won't go political on this forum, and save that for facebook posts only; but in the dream I felt actual love for this man.  I communicated a message (that I wish I remembered) so poignant and clear and from a place of love, it shifted his thinking from fearful hate based to LOVE.  I found the dream odd, and comical.  I made him a mala for pete's sake and got him to understand the energies from certain stones!  However, the more I looked at the dream and all the thoughts I was processing last night; the more I see the message.

If you can come to people, that may see the world so differently from you, and maybe even scare you, with love; you can make a positive impact on them.  Maybe even open them up to letting some love come in.  

Now I know it's easy to always think we are right.  I mean it's a human condition,to think our way is the right way.  I do know I have A LOT to learn, and probably will always.  I will still fumble, and make mistakes, and have to learn to control my ego, etc; but if I can learn to love everyone NO MATTER how different or even negative they may appear to me, that will be enough.

Love really is the answer. <3