What can I do?

Okay, so today I have to write about the black and white elephant in the room.  This is a black and white issue, so I will use those words.  I watched the video of Alton Sterling yesterday.  It was hard to watch, and it left me with chills, tears, and no words.  I sat for 30 minutes trying to understand what I had just seen.  Then this morning on my news feed, I see words, and videos, and suddenly see another video, where a black woman went live on Facebook because a white cop shot her black boyfriend.  Here I am again, speechless, heartbroken, and angry.

If you aren't feeling the heaviness happening, you aren't paying attention.  Listen, I'm going to need you, all of you to pay attention.  We have to.  It took me a while to decide if I could write on this, because the words weren't coming to me. I let it go until today, but I need to write on it.  It may not be the best written blog because I have so many feelings but here's what I have.

When you watch these videos, you see these cops acting out of fear.  Why they are afraid is the debate across the world right?  We may not understand this, but because of this fear, innocent people are being killed.  The more I watch the videos that exist of situations like this where black lives are being taken by cops, the more I feel like this is murder and nothing else.  

This is how I see it, if you are going to act out of a fear based mindset, don't work there.  Don't do it. I have a story I want to tell, about 5 years ago I worked as in home therapist for a company in downtown Atlanta, I got this job through a friend because I needed flexible hours to be home with Steve.  I was the only white female that worked with this company and most of my clients were black.  I went to these patients homes which were located in some very sketchy areas, with love.  I went in there with an open mind and heart in hopes to help these people, and I was greeted with open arms every time.  I was nothing like these people, and they were nothing like me; but we sat and communicated openly about things that enriched both of our lives beyond expectation.  I had already become aware of my privilege when I first moved to Atlanta, thanks to my very first friends here (thank you Alex, Marcus, Savery, and Isaiah); but it was my first time I would witness just how mistreated these beautiful people were.

I only stayed at this job for a year, because honestly it paid crap and I left to stay home with Steve; but within that year I learned more about the black community and the heart ache it was carrying, than any other time in my life.  The mistreatment, and racism that was so apparent it hurt my heart, and left me feeling helpless.  There was only one time I had fear in this situation, and it was because I showed up to the apartment complex to see a new client, and a black man in his late 40's came up to me, and quickly put his arm around me to turn me back to my car.  He said, with the fear of God in his eyes, "You can't be here right now, or ever, don't come back to this neighborhood." This wasn't because I was a white female, exactly, but because no one was safe here.  

I remember coming to the office, and feeling very white in this moment.  I didn't want to make it a race thing with me saying I couldn't see this client, and I had some fear that I had to let go.  So I just with love told the story, and after I was done explaining what happened, my coworkers who in a short time had begun to feel like close friends of mine (who still pray and send sweet love to Steve and I, thank you), said, "Do not worry, we won't send anyone there if that's the kind of violence that is happening."

The reason I tell this story is this.  When you are leading with fear, you don't see people as human.  All you see are differences.  These cops led with fear, saw the differences, and reacted in fear.  Nothing of what they did was out of love.  This is the problem.  If you're afraid of people who are different than you, DO NOT BECOME A COP!  I'm sorry, but this has to stop.   No more senseless violence, no more killing because "YOU thought" they were going to pull a gun.  If you are educated and have informed yourself on these stories, you will know there was NEVER a cause for the killings.  

Is it corruption?  I don't know? Maybe. To be honest the world is so full of that right now, it's another subject that we need to put a stop to.  Is it hate?  Maybe that too?  Fear? Definitely.  Is it senseless?  Yes!

So what do we do?  Seriously, that is the question in all of our minds right now, and if it isn't it should be.  We have to do something.  Just writing this blog, isn't me doing something, it's me addressing the problem.

Here's the very hard part of this situation.  We are all angry at this cop/ these cops who have done this.  Our reaction is to want to retaliate at them.  That is NOT the answer.  If this is going to be a true change that will actually stick, it has to be love based.  It can't be adding to the violence.  So what is it?  It's time y'all. 

The only thing I can think of is to send love to Alton's family, to all the families who lost a loved one because of the color of your skin.  I'm so sorry this is happening.  I'm just one person who spends her everyday's at home taking care of my husband, but that doesn't mean I can't make a change.  

Maybe it starts with this.  I am a white female who despite some circumstance is extremely privileged.  I have a roof over my head, I live in a safe community, I have food to eat everyday, I don't have to worry about being pulled over and shot; because I am privileged.  Maybe the first thing is acknowledging that even though it's 2016, racism still is alive.  Maybe it's to stand up as a white female and plead with y'all to step outside of the fear, and get to know your black brothers and sisters. 

Maybe it's the way we hire cops?  An honest to goodness, "Hey are you racist?  Are you going to act out of fear when you have to pull over someone who is different than you?  Can you actually approach a situation level headed and not just pull out your gun and misuse your power?"

Look y'all I DON'T know, but what I do know is I'm hurting.  The world is hurting.  We have to stop. 

Again, I leave with.  Love is the only answer.  So that is what I'm sending the world today.  Yes even that cop, because if he had acted with love....we wouldn't be having this conversation.  

Life has a funny funny way...

So I wrote 2 blogs before this one, but today didn't seem to be the right time to hit publish.  One is a bit blunt and one a bit out there.  There will be a time they will feel appropriate to share, and I will remind you when I do, that I wrote them today.

I think why they don't feel right to publish today isn't because they aren't well written, good intended words, but because I really should; or should I say, I want to follow up to yesterdays blog.  We got a large response from yesterdays blog.  Some people totally resonated with it, some people as I suspected didn't like it, loads of love came pouring in, some guilty responses, and then of course the few that had to give their "this is why you're wrong" responses.  It's almost predictable these days what sort of responses I will get from my writing; and sometimes even predictable as to who will respond.  

First I want to say, thank you.  To everyone who ever sends us a message, a comment, an email, a text, etc.  We read them all, even if we don't have the chance to respond to everyone.  We do read them.  We appreciate feedback and the dialogues people openly start with us.  

I did get one message yesterday, that I would have never expected.  I asked the person to share some of the message.  This person, who has been a public speaker for sometime (you'll never guess who it is because no one would have guessed this person ever read my words) said, "One of life's biggest lessons is learning how to love everyone.  Some people are easy to love, some are hard; but still your job is to love them all.  You just have to learn how."  

After reading those words, it stuck with me all day.  I kept thinking over and over, yes I do need to learn how to love some people.  This person is so right, there are some that I would like to say that I love them, but I don't.  Nope. Not even with an ounce of my soul.  

Suddenly as I was thinking on this, a thought came to me, "Learn to love people for who they are, not for your expectations of them"  Here I was yesterday feeling frustrated with people because of who I expected them to be instead of looking at them and loving them for who they are.  This exact kind of love, is something I thank Steve for often.  He loves me for me, not for what he thinks I should be.  

So after writing yesterdays blog, and reading and processing all of the feedback, I've concluded I have work to do.  If I'm talking about love being the answer to the worlds problems, and I want to actually be the change; it is up to me to learn how to love everyone.  

I ended up dreaming about Donald Trump last night.  I won't go political on this forum, and save that for facebook posts only; but in the dream I felt actual love for this man.  I communicated a message (that I wish I remembered) so poignant and clear and from a place of love, it shifted his thinking from fearful hate based to LOVE.  I found the dream odd, and comical.  I made him a mala for pete's sake and got him to understand the energies from certain stones!  However, the more I looked at the dream and all the thoughts I was processing last night; the more I see the message.

If you can come to people, that may see the world so differently from you, and maybe even scare you, with love; you can make a positive impact on them.  Maybe even open them up to letting some love come in.  

Now I know it's easy to always think we are right.  I mean it's a human condition,to think our way is the right way.  I do know I have A LOT to learn, and probably will always.  I will still fumble, and make mistakes, and have to learn to control my ego, etc; but if I can learn to love everyone NO MATTER how different or even negative they may appear to me, that will be enough.

Love really is the answer. <3 

You may not like this....

This morning as I soak up some energy from our backyard trees and try to shake off the "we live by too many people" hang over from my neighborhood having fireworks going until midnight, I keep replaying a conversation Steve and I had over and over in my head.

I've tried for 45 minutes to write about something else, but I can't; and I'm running out of my window of blogging time.  So I guess I'm meant to be writing about this.  Okay okay I'm listening.  

If you've followed Steve and I for a while, you know 2016 has been both very up and down for us. The ups: documentary release, viral videos, cool opportunities; and the pretty crummy lows: scary hospital visits, more complications, things giving out on his body, disease progression.  It's all coming at us so quickly, and we are doing our best to ride the waves together.

Something happened, after the last few hospital visits, however; that took us a while to work through.  Fear happened.  We both started living in a place of fear, constantly.  I've talked about this probably 100 times.  Living out of fear is a waste of time, living from a place of love is all that makes sense.  

So because of that fear, we were at odds with one another, the world, ourselves, the situation, etc.  Everything sort of annoyed us about one another and EVERYONE.  I'm sorry to be so honest, but man we were annoyed at it all. Sure some we had reasons, but others were happening because of our mindset. We had been snapping at each other, those around us, and have been finding it hard for either of us to get much done.

Suddenly yesterday, after we both had some alone time after Steve's bath, he called me in the room to talk.  I had assumed he was reaching a point of not being able to talk through problems with me, but here we sat for 2 hours and talked about it all.  

Turns out we aren't really annoyed at each other, or ourselves....  We are f*ing scared.   How much has been happening with Steve's body, it's hard to not be.  He told me yesterday, "I feel like my body is dying on me, and I'm here fighting against it trying my hardest to live."  Which, I told him I could see happening.  I've only admitted this to a few close friends and family members, that it appeared like the life was being sucked out of Steve's body.

We have been very honest with others about everything he has gone through, but hadn't admitted to ourselves 100% that we were concerned, although we both have been for some time now.  It's not one of those fears where we are manifesting this, it's one of those fears that comes from being so aware. We are so in tune these days, after lots of practice on both of our parts, that the past hospital visits have been beyond just a minor road bump.

It's a sort of unspoken, "Things probably won't be getting better from here, buckle up."   Steve made a status yesterday that surprised some, reconfirmed some people's thoughts, and ultimately put his truth out there.

Here it is the truth most don't want to hear.  This past year while things have progressed far as terms of ALS progression, it seems most others, also got involved in their own lives.  The visits became less, the messages, etc.  Seems like the entire world has shifted from compassionate working together, to totally self focused, and cut off from one another.  I'm not innocent in this.  I'm like a turtle, when things get rough, I want to hang out in my shell and avoid contact with anyone.  So it's not like I'm over here planning our typical parties, or concerts; etc.  

However, as we are quickly approaching the 5 years of diagnoses point, it's not like it's any secret that our future has been unknown for sometime now.  This isn't a blog to make anyone feel bad, or call anyone out; in fact like I said before I REALLY didn't/don't want to even write on it.  The last thing I want to do is invoke a bunch of visits, that come from a place of guilt over love.  The last thing I want is to make people feel bad.  All I want is for us all to maybe come out of our shells, and learn to get through this together again.  

Together is the only way we can do this thing called life.  I'm realizing it more and more, being surrounded by people is as important as being surrounded by trees and animals.

So here it is.  Truth. 

is this a tangible sentence?

It always seems to happen on Mondays, where I'm shuffling things around to get Steve's bath/wound care/nurse visit in, that I will have 100 words floating around my head with the inability to form any tangible sentences.  Yes even on the 4th of July Monday happenings, happen.   It's also a new moon, and my love for understanding the moons energy is excited for this one, as it's the rebirth that we've been building up to.  * So here are some words, that may or may not be actual clear thoughts. xo

Today started with some moody exchanges from Steve and I, which usually leads to a meditation cycle of me starring deeply into my shadows trying to accept them and move past them. This time however it was a total different shift I needed to be making.  Something that was totally outside of myself, even.  An acceptance of a new life, that without any words being said, has shown obvious manifestations.  

So here I sit, after meditating, and I'm saying over and over, "I'm not a victim unless I choose to be."

Hard to follow without me explaining details?  Maybe?  But here's one where I will keep the details private, because sometimes I even have to remind myself that it's okay to do that in this wildly open life we lead.  The point is, that this new reality is coming whether or not I try to stop it.  It's only going to be negative for me, IF I CHOOSE it to be.

So as I then read the insights from Mystic Mamma on the new moon it was a comforting reminder, that my life has a divine plan, and God isn't just throwing things on to me without me being capable to handle them.  It doesn't matter what you believe in, to some point you have to acknowledge the interconnections of us all. 

When one person is going through something, we ALL feel it; some just aren't aware of it.  The times we do become aware of it, is when something big happens like Orlando or Istanbul.  That feeling of life, and paying attention to how it makes us feel, is something I see more and more of us doing.  It's something I notice myself doing more of.  The more aware we are all become the more positive impact we can have.  The less we can allow circumstances make us play victims.  

I have a hope for the new moon, that seems to go with what I'm feeling, and Mystic mamma's insights.  I hope that as we all begin to feel the stir, we choose to open up to it from a place of LOVE. We stand strong, and not as victims; and we make this shift go to the positive side, instead of negative.  I have hopes for myself as well.  For me to graciously travel through the muck with love, kindness, and allowance for what's waiting for me in the clearing.  

So if this resonated with you today, then that means you're ready for the positive shift also. If I'm capable for all of this, SO ARE YOU! :) 

xox.  

Love you all, happy new moon, happy 4th of July, and yes even happy Monday.  

Walk your talk...

I need to give some credit to this book I've been reading daily, Earth Medicine, by Jamie Sams.  I do daily readings, and then sometimes just pick it up and open to a page to see what message I get. Since starting this book I've taken loads of inspiration from it to write in the blog.  

A part of today's reading: "Walk your talk, don't talk your walk!!"

Wow.  I sat staring at these words for a few minutes, as I drank my coffee, and reflected on how many times I'm talking the walk, but not walking the talk. It reminded me of a conversation I was having with a new teacher that was recently introduced to me; about how you can read all of these books, and fill your head with all this knowledge, but unless you actually apply it to your life it's sort of useless, right?

How many times I speak out about loving everyone, and I then turn around and judge someone.  I talk about how to stay focused, and then I turn around and scroll on my phone for 15 minutes.  I know I'm not alone here.  It takes work to show up daily and walk your talk.  It takes constant self reflection to assure you're living a congruent life.  It also takes loads of love for yourself.  

Because we aren't perfect and it's easy to give up when we've made a mistake, right?  Oh what's the use, I messed up ALREADY!?  I know I've said that a time or two, but there is a use.  It may take you 4 or 5 tries but when it sticks you will see just how capable you really are to live that life you want.  

Today I'm going to spend some time reflecting on all the ways in which I need to walk my talk, instead of talk my walk.  I will be gentle but honest with myself, and then I will start the work to walking tall in my talk.  Because that's what life is about.  

Attaching to a story...

"It's not the feelings, it's the story you attach to the feelings."  It's something that I've heard people talk about more times than I can count.  I don't know that I ever fully processed it until recently. Feeling is normal, and you have to feel them to really get through them, but attaching to them because you attach a story to it, makes it stick.  

Stick for how long, is up to you.  See it's truly up to us to work through these feelings, and let go of them.  If we hold on to them for years, that's on us.  Even if someone did something for us to truly hold on to, and attach them to that feeling.  He/She did this to make me angry or sad or violated, etc.  

Sure they did, but are they making you hold on to those feelings?  Nope.  They sure aren't.  Forgiveness isn't just a word people throw around because it's good for you.  Forgiveness is healing. Feeling life, working through it, and LETTING go; is the only way to live a full life.  Who are you hurting by carrying around all this baggage?  I'll answer that for you.  You're hurting yourself.

I know you are all thinking, goodness who does Hope need to forgive?  Truth is, I feel like I've worked through forgiveness, but my current process is learning to not attach a story to the feeling from the start. To really feel it, let it out however it needs to come out, and move on without the story.  That's some next level stuff right there.

Knowing what I need to work on, is just the first step.  Consistently trying it no matter how many times I don't get it right, is the hard part.  I just know that in order to live the life I want, it's an important step.

So I will practice the art of non attachment in ways I never thought of it applying.  Not attaching to a story.  What story are y'all holding on to?  Is it time to let something go?  Feel free to share it with me.  

Listen.

At a young age I think the question that was most asked of me was, "Are you listening?"  The attention span of mine hadn't really kicked in, and it was almost impossible for me to truly listen to people.  I struggled, but never wanted to admit it.  It wasn't that I was as slow as people often thought, it was that I hadn't learned how to really listen.  

Of course I was hearing the words coming out of people's mouths, but processing them, understanding them, or absorbing them; that was not happening.  I was often sent to this special program in school, because they assumed my home life was too much for me to process which is why I was behind in school.

That may have played a small rule, but truth was I just did not know how to listen to people.  It's interesting looking back at my life, as I have been doing loads of to attempt to find any memories relevant for the book.  I HAVE NEVER been a good listener.  Even when friends thought that I was.  Even when I went on to school to have my career to be LISTENING to people.  

By the time I was an active counselor, I was able to listen enough to people for them to feel like they were being heard.  I had everyone around me convinced that I was a great listener, and really great at helping others.  Hell, even I was convinced. Truth is until I truly learned to be okay with silence, is really the only time I began to listen.  To sit in stillness and really hear.  

I find myself still having to grow my listening skills, as I still have the habit of talking over people.  I do it to everyone, without exception.  You aren't truly listening to someone if you are thinking of your response the whole time they are talking.  You aren't truly listening to someone if you are thinking of your to do list the whole time they are talking.  You aren't truly listening to someone if you aren't sitting in stillness and observing the person as they talk.

As I've been working on less talking and more listening, it's amazed me how much I can learn and retain.  When I shut up and listen to people whether it's them talking about their lives, doctors talking about what's going on with Steve, people trying to teach me new things, or Steve telling me what he needs; every time I sit and really listen; I learn something new.  

When you can start listening with your ears, you can start listening wit other senses, and then listening to the heart, listening to the earth, nature, the unspoken,...  How do you think it is now that I know Steve needs me before he rings his alarm?  I would say as often as 9 times out of 10 if I'm tuned in I feel him need me, but listening to my gut.

Growing my listening skills is something that I will work on the rest of my life.  Learning to listen with everything and not just my ears.  Learning to talk less and hear more.  The reading from my earth medicine book today, again sparked this blog.  It reads, "When you learn to enter the stillness and you sit for hours without movement or sound, you may hear the oneness.  From that understanding, you may discover the sounds of the all unfolding." 

Are you listening?