mornings

I used to dread mornings.  I would hit my snooze button as many times as I could to not get out of bed.  I would then start my mornings rushed and dreadful, with very little positive going into my day. Usually swinging by Starbucks on my way to work, and cursing caffeine for not giving me the pick me up I needed.

Then as I became full time caregiver for Steve, I still didn't like mornings, and would sleep until 10, wake up feeling groggy with little energy, and with the same sense of, "ugh how am I going to get through my day."  

I wrote previously about the lessons I've gained from my Ayurveda class, which is coming to an end. Thankfully my amazing teacher Anna Apotheca, is going to be letting me continue on in her classes to the next level, so I can continue to learn and allow it to expand my life. 

My favorite part that I've implemented was to have a morning ritual.  All of a sudden I'm a morning person, I love being awake by 7:30, and to have several hours to set the tone for my day.  So I get up now; do yoga, meditate, then drink my lemon ginger water, golden milk, I spend sometime outside usually with my bare feet on the earth doing some "earthing", I journal, then blog (most recent addition), I eat breakfast, I wash up, and then study/read until Steve wakes up.

Because once Steve wakes up my day does revolve around him.  Obviously we both work on our separate projects but if he needs me, I'm there in 15 seconds (we've timed it :))  So my mornings help me greet Steve with a smile, and help me address his needs, and accomplish the 100 things I set out to do each day with the best attitude possible. 

If you find yourself dreading mornings, or find your days starting so negative it's hard to find any positive in your day, I highly suggest, taking some time for a morning routine.

Make it your own.  Do what feels best for you: pray, stretch, spend time outside, WHATEVER you can do to help your day start in a positive.  

Start as small as you want, even if you give yourself 15 minutes to just sit in silence and set intentions for the day to go smoothly, it will vastly change your life.  I know it will, because it has mine. 

wife vs caregiver

In yesterday's blog I talked about removing my ego from taking care of Steve, and today I want to touch on the balance of wife vs caregiver.

Someday's it's more important that I'm his caregiver and less important that I'm his wife; and the struggle to go back to wifie is sometimes a challenge.

Some of the intimacy that once happened as husband and wife, are no longer there.  It hurts him to lay with him or hug him too hard, can't really "make out" when someone has lock jaw and can barely open his mouth, and life with a full time catheter makes the hanky a rare and sterile procedure.  

While, the need to be caregiver increases; suctioning, moving, wound care, medications, picc line care, feedings, antibiotics, cutting fingernails, toenails, wiping nose, brushing teeth, wiping butt....

The balance then leans towards more caregiver less wife, naturally.  The one thing that brings the 2 together is love.  I'm his wife because I love him, just as I'm his caregiver because I love him.  So love helps me readjust my perspective to find ways to still be equal parts wife and caregiver.

Kissing may be different, cuddles may be different, hugs, hanky, etc...but they can still exist. Showing the love of a wife can still happen even if it's vastly changed from 4.5 years ago.  They are still there.  Just in different forms, and that is a beautiful thing.  

I'm thankful that Steve shows me love and appreciation as a wife and caregiver and that I'm able to find the balance in this wild world of ours.  I'm thankful that although it's vastly different;  that we still have our special times, and that nothing, not even ALS can take that away from us. 

It's not about me.

Choosing to be a caregiver for someone will transform you in ways you never imagined.

One of those is understanding that this life, is really not about you.  

I used to get frustrated at Steve when he wouldn't do something, I as a caregiver thought he should (ie: wash hair, bend knees, range of motion, etc).  If you saw our documentary, you saw, I would equally get frustrated at Steve's desire to take medication for his undeniable pain.  

I would get frustrated because I care so damn much about his well being that I want to do everything in my power to keep him as healthy as I possibly can.  However, sometimes it's more than that.  Sometimes I would get frustrated because other caregivers would make their comments to me, "Oh well my so and so doesn't take pain medicine."  "My so and so doesn't stay in bed all day we always get them up."  "My so and so can bend their knees..."

You get the point.  I would allow the other people's comments on how they care for their person, make me feel like I wasn't doing a good enough job.  I would get upset at myself and of course then get frustrated at Steve when he wouldn't let me do something I felt pressured to do.

Then one day Steve said something to me that helped me let go of the frustrations and the worry of what everyone else thought.  He had wrote me a long message thanking me for taking care of him, and a sentence stuck with me forever, "Thanks for allowing me to live the life I choose to live with this awful disease and for standing by me every step of the way."

Even my stubborn ego can't deny that it's a beautiful thing to be able to do something for someone else; and even more beautiful to see a man who has lost control of the ability to do most things, still choose the life he wants to live.

See it's not about me, or what I think he should be doing.  It's most certainly not about what others on the outside think we should be doing.  It's about Steve.  Always.

The reasons we can get along so well, and have so much joy in our lives; is the respect, love, and undestanding we have for one another.  Steve will do certain things like let me wash his hair, do wound care, etc; because he wants to live and he knows as much as he doesn't want to, he must.  The others, it's his choice. Because deep down how beautiful is it, that he still has that.  His own choices.  

ALS will never take that away, and I'm thankful for that. 

Eliminate Hate

Last night laying in bed, as I was drifting off to sleep I had this thought.

I wonder if anyone else logs onto Facebook and sees someone they were just thinking about pop up on your timeline, and think, 'cool on me to have a connection with the universe through Facebook?' Then I will look at this persons page for a minute, usually until something else distracts my puppy brain, and then I'm on to the next thing.  Then as I began to wonder about this, I realized that it doesn't actually mean I connected with this person, although, in my mind I did.  I read their posts saw some pictures of their puppies or kids, and then carried on.  Really though it's not connecting unless we actually interact with the person....I will work on that I think...

Then my thought gets interrupted just as I'm thinking about the love/hate relationship I have with facebook, by both of our guest bedroom doors popping open.  I laugh and think, hmm more signs from the universe, what could it be?  I always check Steve first, and once I saw he was okay I was reminded of an interaction with my oldest nephew this weekend.  He's wise beyond his years and a very special boy (I'm not just biased, it's true):) 

We were getting ready to go visit Linn Run State Park, my favorite place to visit when I'm in Pennsylvania, and as we are bundling up to get ready, I casually say, "I really hate the cold weather." 

To which he quickly responds, "We aren't supposed to say we hate things, Aunt Hope."

I look at him and smile, and again my puppy brain went somewhere else without thinking much about the interaction.

So last night I sat and thought, "It's too easy to say I hate something."  It shouldn't be that easy.  In fact I shouldn't use the word in my vocabulary at all, because hate just breeds more hate. So hating the cold just makes me miserable and focus on all the misery about it.  You know what, that whole trip to Linn Run, I didn't notice the cold one bit.  In fact I enjoyed every minute about the experience, all because my nephew casually reminded me to eliminate hate.  

How are your words influencing your life?  It's simple to not see it, but the mindful elimination of the word can be pretty  powerful.  I plan to work everyday at eliminating the word hate from my vocabulary.  Will you join me? 

More love.  No more hate. <3 

Ideas

I'm an idea person.  On an average day at least 20 ideas float through my mind.  Some great game changing ideas and some eh, not so much.  However, allowing the ideas to flow have been the start of some amazing projects in my life.

I recently had someone gently suggest to me, "Less ideas, more focus."  I could see where they were coming from and it totally rattled me.  Am I too flaky?  All these ideas and not enough follow through?  Do people see me as just a wild card.  She'll one day have something that sticks?  

Feeling totally discouraged I went to my trusty adviser (Steve :)), and asked what he thought.  He said without skipping a beat, "You're an idea person, and that's what makes you special.  Don't allow someone who doesn't understand you stop you, from being you."

That's why he's my adviser, you see.  I come to him with every wild idea, and he always tells me to pursue it with the rare exception of the idea being to big for my breeches.  He encourages me to pursue everything with equal measure, and is there to catch me when those ideas flop, and to keep pushing me when I need the extra motivation.  

The beauty of having someone tell you to run with your wild ideas, is that some of those ideas blossom into really amazing things.  Our documentary started out as just a wild idea.  Now, it's going to be distributed world wide May 3rd.  Hopie Hippie started as an idea, Hope for Steve, this blog, all the changes done to our home, etc.

All these started with just an idea where Steve encouraged me, "Yes, Hope, run with that."  If he hadn't encouraged me and I listened to the "nay sayers", a lot of magical things wouldn't have happened in our lives.

If you find yourself constantly being discouraged when you have an idea, don't stop.  Find a new adviser, and keep going.  Because all beautiful projects started as just an idea, and then the courage to try and follow through with that.  If your ideas have been failing, and you can't seem to find one that sticks.  Don't give up!  Your golden ticket is coming I promise.

Ideas are the way the world keeps evolving and growing, and one day yours could change the world.  It could be the cure to ALS, or it could be the next life changing movie someone sees that impacts their life so much they change, or the next big invention to make our lives better, or even a way to add just a little bit of beauty to our lives.

Your ideas are worthy of being pursued.  Don't let anyone tell you differently.  Be an idea person with me, and let's keep shaking up the way people see the world.  

Back to the basics

What would you do if there was no one following you?  No Instagram followers, no Facebook posts, and no 140 character tweets?

Would you be different?  More focused?  Try more things?  Would you be less judgmental on yourselves and just do your own thing?  Would you wear that bathing suit and sit in the sunshine soaking it up?  Would you try to dance? Paint? Create?

Getting back to my roots this past weekend reminded me of a simpler time.  A time where I would spend most of my days lost in nature and in my mind.  I didn't care if people thought it was weird that I spent more time with trees than people, and certainly didn't care if something I said was misunderstood by someone on the computer.

I remember when computers were introduced because my mom sold them.  They were a tool, she explained that would help us feel more connected to the outside world.  Well, I didn't want to be connected at that time.  I was perfectly happy being lost in the mountains and trees.  I was okay with who I was, and it didn't dawn on me that it was abnormal to want to be alone rather than with people.

Now, I have the same fondness for being alone and doing my own thing, thankfully.  I also have that fondness with connecting with those around me, and sometimes the balance is a tricky thing.  How much do I share to be able to make the impact I intend to make?  How much does the feedback I get influence what I post?  How much do I allow that person who doesn't agree with me, sway my way of thinking?

Being back in nature this weekend awoke something inside of me, that I was slowly loosing to the social media world.  So back to the basics of doing what makes me, me.  Spending more time in nature, and in the presence of actual people.  More time creating, less time comparing.  My most creative times come when I unplug and just let the divine flow through me.  When I am just me, that's when I make the most impact. No more feeling like I have to compete to get more likes, more followers, or more support.  I am supported and loved and those that feel that way, do so because I am just me.  Not some girl on the internet.

Having a strong social media presence will still be important for Steve and I.  However, it will be on our own terms again.  Back to the basics when being me, didn't mean posting things just for likes.  The things I post I want to come from my heart.  From the part of me that wakes up when I'm with the trees and things that excite me.

How are you letting social media take away from the gift that is YOU?  Is it holding you back?  Are you afraid of the negative feedback that might come from just being?

What happens when you let that go?  Be you, the you that isn't being watched by hundreds to thousands of people, and remember that you IS ENOUGH.

You ARE amazing. Don't let anyone to tell you other wise.

I recently took a trip home to visit family, and it's been 3 years since I've had the chance to do so.  I was inspired by the strong women that raised me, to blog more often, and continue to stand strong in my own power.

This inspiration happened to coincide with International Women's Day, which is today; and some negativity that Steve & I experienced on Facebook yesterday.  This message isn't to focus on the negative, so I'm not even sharing the details of what happened; it's a thought that spun from this all happening at once.

My mom is a strong, loving, kind, empowered, open, Jesus loving, hard working mom; whom I'm eternally grateful for.  Growing up she taught us to be strong in your own power while being open to the love and blessings the world has to offer.  She taught me to hustle and to work hard, and also taught me that it's okay to accept help; instead of seeing it as a weakness.  She taught me to show love and kindness to everyone, even those who we may see as undeserving.  She taught me that WE decide how we see ourselves, and that if we allow others opinions of us to shake us; that's on us.

So I'm here to say, thank you, to my mom and all the strong women (and men) out there who taught us that we decide the value we put on our lives.  That just because someone doesn't like us, or they use our words against us; doesn't mean we can't like ourselves.  

In this world of social media, where we can hide behind our computers and phones and say whatever comes to mind, without thinking if it's kind or not; we need to have a strong sense in who we are if we decide to share our lives.  Part of me gets sad when I see or experience negativity or judgment, that it's become so okay to be mean.  How it's socially acceptable to speak unkindly to someone even when you don't know the facts.  But, then it reminds me that I have work to do.

There are some among us who don't feel like they have value!  A comment on the internet could make them feel like they aren't worthy of love, or like they deserved the negative attention.  I'm here to tell you, you ARE SO worthy of love.  You are beautiful, strong, capable, and deserving of love and kindness, and if someone isn't giving you this; it's NOT YOU.  It really is them.

****Please if you're ever feeling like you have no worth (regardless if someone told you that or you just think it) please reach out to me.  I'm happy to help you see the beauty that lies in you.  We ALL have it.****

If I'm judgmental on someone, 100% of the time it's because it's something I haven't worked out with myself.  Look, I'm just as guilty of judging people as the next, but I make a choice in my interactions. Is this kind?  Is it really them?  Sometimes it takes me a while, because I think there's no way this is on me, but if I remove my ego long enough to see; it's life changing.  If I am judging you, it's because I am judging that quality in me.  100% of the time.

Kindness is not weakness.  You can say what you need to say, while being kind.  I promise you can. Trust me if I feel like I need to say something to someone I will, but I will do everything in my power to find a loving way to do it.  It's hard, it's a strength!  It takes actual strength to be kind to some people.

On this day where we celebrate all the strong women out there building people up, shaking up our old ways of thinking, creating beautiful lives in your own way, shining kindness and love on others; I praise all of you difference makers.  Women (and men) doing their things with love.  You are amazing.  I'm also here to remind you, that your value doesn't come from a comment on the internet, or something mean someone said to you.  YOU ARE AMAZING. Don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise.  

<3